I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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