dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
