i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
