I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize