So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize