the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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