Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
