Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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