My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
