Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
