i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i dont even know how to be here
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
