I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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