i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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