You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
