It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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