You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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