i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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