Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
