she woke up with a sticky ear
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
