Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize
