dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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