I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
