theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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