and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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