This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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