Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
