I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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