You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
