all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
