Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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