Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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