I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
So vagazzling was a success
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
