I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
