Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
