I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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