i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
