I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
