I hope mine doesn't look like that
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
