saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Randomize
