My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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