i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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