I haven't been this sober since birth.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
