Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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