Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
