you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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