Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
