For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
