the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
