I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
