the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
