We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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