Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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