I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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