this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
