I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
