omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Someone came in the potted fern
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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