In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
