The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I think I won the penis lottery.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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