I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I think a kid would responsible me up
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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